Cracked

Jack's latest trick is hiding things just to drive me bonkers. Last night, we were both overtired from our Thanksgiving travels, us both recovering from colds, and me having a long day at work. The plug for Jack's small ceramic piggy bank from Nordstrom was missing, and he and I escalated into an argument before bedtime about its whereabouts. It was irrational and fueled by our tiredness and Jack's overall contrarian behavior.

Jack and Jossie share a bedroom, and our arguing woke a sleeping Jossie, who started crying, adding to the situation. I told Jack if he couldn't take care of his things, I would take his piggy bank. He followed me as I huffed into my bedroom, and Jeremy, carrying a crying Jossie, was close behind.

The arguing continued and then I - quite without thinking - dropped the piggy bank. Intentional or not, I don't know. 

Piggy didn't break into a few clean pieces. He broke into a million zillion little pieces. We all stopped, shocked. Then Jack escalated into hysterical crying, which set Jossie off as well.

I needed a moment to collect myself, but then a calmness washed over me. As Jeremy comforted Jossie, I took a sobbing Jack into my arms and settled him into his bed, which the day before I had made with flannel sheets as the weather is turning colder. He cried and clung to me, desperate for my acceptance and love. I was able to speak calmly and plainly to him - that he needed to listen but that I also was pushed too far and no one is perfect. He wound his skinny arms around my neck and promised he would be a "good listener."

Jack feel soundly asleep quickly. Jeremy brought Jossie in and gently laid her down in her crib. We closed their bedroom door softly behind us.

And then I cried. I cried and I cried. I asked Jeremy and God for forgiveness for showing such weakness in front of my children. Jeremy comforted me. I feel overwhelmed with my work and managing my home life with two small children who depend on me. And the holidays are almost upon us - a time I love but also a time that brings more work and planning. I climbed into my bed and fell asleep.

Okay. I don't want you to worry about me (Mom). The change from the piggy bank is in a plastic bag on Jack's dresser and the ceramic pieces have been swept up. And I'm pulling myself together as well.

I believe that if you're in a difficult situation, you should take action over simply complaining. It's the early hours of Tuesday morning, and I'm already feel some clarity about steps I can take at work - at an organization I care deeply about - and some changes I can take at home to ease my mind.

I haven't gone to a dark place, to be sure. I love my family and I feel loved. The fact that I can write about these things to you, gentle reader, must mean something too.

As we approach the Christmas season, I wish for peace in our lives. I pray for focus on what really matters and to dwell less on the niggling stuff. We'll get there, I promise.